Funny tweets by Nigerians...Laf out loud

1. The tweet about Sugar Daddies.

My friends and I could quite easily have acquired sugar daddies while in Lagos but we did not want to spend your school fees

— Abike (@Jollz) September 17, 2015

2. The tweet about Lagos traffic.

In Lagos, you’ll be in traffic for 3 hours, only to reach front and see what’s causing traffic is garden egg.

— Sir Vage; Baby Maker (@iamsupervillain) October 2, 2015

3. The tweet about having an ugly bae.

Your ugly bae cheats on you and you are just like "Edakun see somebody I was pitying o" 

— The Goddess. (@Brendalishus) September 7, 2015

4. The tweet about NEPA.

Nigerian version of "make hay while the sun shines" is "iron your clothes immediately nepa brings light"

— Orobokibo (@Sick_Sage) August 16, 2014

5. The tweet about African parents.

How to be an African parent: 1 Shout. 2 Blame everyone at home but yourself. 3 Never apologize to your kids. 4 Shout. 5 Keep shouting.

— É (@CoolNerd_) April 5, 2015

6. The tweet about the tower of Babel.

One minute at Babel every one is speaking Hebrew "lay the brick here" next thing "ni hao" "je ne comprendre pas" "ki ni weyrey n so "

— Mr Dodo (@dodoshyne) September 15, 2015

7. The tweet about Bella Naija weddings.

Bella Naija will have you thinking your gonna marry one oil tycoon, when it's really Yemi from marketing.

— Fola Sofuyi (@Fola_Sofuyi) August 13, 2015

8. The tweet about Suya and Newspapers.

Why is Suya sold at night? Because Newspapers are sold during the day Contact me for other answers to life's difficult questions.

— Chief Talk and Do (@NEPA_Lagos) July 26, 2015

9. The tweet about kidnappers.

Kidnappers hand me phone to speak to parents.. Mum: Hello.. Me: Mummy? Mum: Why didn't you wash your plates before you left this morning?

— L (@iKillCuriosity) July 11, 2015

10. The tweet about 2 daddies.

When your mom borrows your phone to call your father and dials the wrong daddy😭

— nnèbaby (@entiCyn) June 15, 2015

11. The tweet about the pain of childbirth.

Ran my gen all night only to wake up to find out there's been light since last night. Don't talk to me about how painful childbirth is.

— Sir Vage; Baby Maker (@iamsupervillain) June 11, 2015

12. The tweet about cheating.

So annoying when you find out your better half is cheating, you're just there like me that I didn't get caught, do I have 2 heads

— Irebae (@KingAdunni) April 22, 2015

13. The tweet about superstitions.

Nigerians so superstitious. Cabs will refuse to stop just cos you're wearing all black, and it's night, and you're carrying a cutlass…

— Orobokibo (@Sick_Sage) February 3, 2015

14. The tweet about Nigerian mothers.

*phone rings* "Hey mom, I'm kinda busy right now" "That's funny cos I wasn't too busy to give birth to you 28 years ago" 😂😩

— Omo Pastor. (@TheAdenike) January 28, 2015

15. The tweet about meeting Aliko Dangote.

I don't think I can ever meet Dangote and have a 5 minute chat with him without the words "Sir, hep me" slipping out my mouth.

— Sgt. Afonja (@Punthief) January 13, 2015

16. The tweet about getting married.

I can't stand these grown men thinking they're too young for marriage, smh Adam was only 7 days old when he married Eve

— King Chy (@flyChy) January 7, 2015

17. The tweet about wedding aso-ebi.

300k asoebi means I've bought shares in your marriage. I'll be expecting quarterly reports.

— Morningstar (@TheBlackHermit) October 24, 2014

18. The tweet about trust issues.

Therapist:"When did your trust issues start sir?" Me:"I was 2 & my dad told me to go & put on my slippers if I wanted to follow him out…"

— Sgt. Afonja (@Punthief) November 14, 2014

19. The tweet about shopping.

When you ask how much something is and it's expensive you pretend you're interested even though spiritually you're already on the bus home

— Shanaynay (@Kahduna) December 24, 2014

20. The tweet about Instagram chefs.

Instagram chefs won't just say Eba and okra, they be like parboiled cassava grains with finesse chopped okra and bells peppers.

— consigliere (@moyodre1) October 16, 2014

21. The tweet about Nigerian customer service.

I hope those Nigerians in customer service know that when their prayers reach Heaven, they also meet attendants gisting and watching Afmag.

— WALE LAWAL (@WalleLawal) December 10, 2014

22. The tweet about job Interviews.

Me: I'm Nigerian White interviewer: Ohhh Me: plis dun do it White interviewer: Yuno my father volunteered in Keny… Me: oh mah god 😪

— OC (@geraldOC_) October 10, 2015

23. The tweet about the Choc boys.

Imagine watching the choc boys on a 3D Samsung TV. You'll see HD ice prince. You'l see HD Jesse Jags. You'l see HDMI.

— Young Wildling (@TheFunnycator) June 14, 2015

24. The tweet about candy crush.

Oh Hi Bunmi who refused to kiss me during command in JSS1. Now sending me candy crush requests on facebook. How the mighty have fallen.😌

— Leo B Dasilva Jnr (@SirLeoBDasilva) September 22, 2015

25. The tweet about Nigerian driving instructors.

Nigerian driving instructor: "Oya Come, Come" "Oya CUT YOUR HAND, CUT YOUR HAND" "CUT IT FULL"

— Gambino. (@Dotun__A).

Credit:  zikoko.com

Linda Ikeji just bought a new home in Banana Island lagos

Nigerian cute blogger linder ikeji just joined the big boys in Banana Island lagos by buying a new house at the island.
It was revealed by her kid sister Laura Ikeji on her instagram page with pictures and caption ' no its not a block of flats, no its not rented, linda Ikeji bought this banana island mansion with her sweat'
Babe no body dey follow u drag if na her sweat or her blood o lol...Its a good news though.
According to forbes the average fee for a 3 bed room flat goes for about 2 million dollars. That's a lot of quid bro...Linda keep it up.
Check this out...

How to get and wear the right Lingerie

I know peeps are going to be wondering what a guy like me is thinking writing an article about these stuf. Isn't it a women affair? Well ask the guys who are married and want to see their wife look good before sex (sex is for the married right?). And all they see is this unattractive looking woman is an oversized panties and bras finding their cups difficult to even cover the nipples. Trust me girls we worry about this things but don't know how to tell you. So go ahead and run through these quick tips. They will never let you down.

1. Identify your body type: Take time to study you body shape. What kind of body shape do I have? It might interest you to know that a typical woman shape is not confined to a particular structure. You can be a little bit pear shape and a little lean. You may be petite and bursty. You also may be plus size and muscular. Bottom line, find the right ligerie that mimic the everyday cloths you wear.

2. Be comfortable. According to Young Chung- stuart of the intiMINT design team, " don't try to buy lingerie that is so far off from who you are that you're no longer comfortable in it"  The plan is to feel confident and your confidence equals sexiness.

3. Watch out for those thigh fat. Believe me those thight fat at the corner of your vagina can really affect your looking good in some lingerie. Go for what fits.

4. Dare to be colourful. Next time you chop, add some colourful panties and bras to your collections. Leopard prints, blue, red, go for them.

5. To match is good. I want to be able to see some part of your bra and say "bet me, her under is the same colour". It's sexy and I know you feel the same way.

6. Try some new designs. If you are the ball panty girl (those ones that cover your whole ass lol [brief is the right word]) you can try the V strings, the hiphugger or even the boyshort. But remember comfortability is the watch word.

7. Choose your undies in line with you Outfits. You know those cloths you put on that just tells me the type of panty you wearing or even the colour, or those bra that makes your breasts abnormally shapeless, please stay away from dreassings like that. Wear a good fitting undies perfect for each cloths.  What is good for a camping wears might be so out of place for an office skirt or trousers that is glued to your curves. I don't have to see the outlines of the panty.

8. Never say "I'm the only one that sees it". If you can spend time to shop for your outfits, please spend time on your lingerie. Just as you felt good in those skirts and peplum tops feel good on the inside too. You don't know who you might meet at the elevator *winks*.

For your enlightenment I have added a picture below of some of the type of panties we have (courtesy of behance.net )At least some of them. Please feel free to explore and don't forget to drop your comments thanks.

Davido is now the first Nigerian Celebrity to get 1 million followers on Instagram

Davido has eventually gone platinum on instagram.
The Omo baba Olowo has made history by becoming the first Nigerian Celebrity to hit 1 million followers on instagram. Even his enemy sorry friend is a follower. If u ask me, he deserves it with all his latest successes  in the industry. Good to know I'm one of the followers lol. 

COW TALES. Traditional marriage amongst tribes in Nigeria explained by using Cows

Guys I came up with this just for fun don't bite my head o. Lol...

1. The Yoruba people.
     You needed a cow, then you find a cheap one. So you borrowed money to organise a party to tell everyone you've goten a cow. Then 1 year later you need another cow.

2. THE IGBO PEOPLE.
     You have one matured cow and a calf. You sell the mature one to a buyer and part of the deal is for him to rare the baby calf for you till its matured for you to sell. This time with a deal to complete your farm land that is under construction.

3. THE HAUSA PEOPLE.
      You have a cow that you spent fortune to rare, then you sell it at a cheaper price so that your cow can have a peaceful home in the hands of your buyers. And then you have no cow.

4. THE URHOBO PEOPLE.
       You have 5 cows. And when a buyer comes to buy just one, you parade all the cows one buy one starting from the ones not needed by the buyer and make the cow he really wants to come last. You ask him to pay a neglect fee each time he refuses the other cows. And when the real cow come and he pays you then you give him a change of one cow.  Wola! You sell one cow for the price of  many. Good job bro.

5. THE CALABAR (EFIK)
      You have a cow. And when a buyer comes, you ask him to hold, then you take the cow to another group of cattle rearer for intese "fattening". And when the cow is fat enough for consumption you call the buyer and charge him for the cost of buying the cow as a young calf, the price for rearing it, the cost for that extra fattening exercise and settlement to those extended families that actually watch this young calf grow into a fat cow. Boy I pity the man. Lol.

In conclusion, every body needs a good cow meat in his life. Who doesn't?
If you want more on any tribe please drop the request down below.
Comments on this one is highly welcomed. Please, comment.

How to master the selfie

As easy as it seems my dear taking a selfie can be very technical and this technicality always reflects on the outcome of the pictures. The most tasking is getting all the body parts  you want in the pix, lol i remember one day taking a selfie. After taking like 5 min to try to get my hand on the button so i can click cos my hands keeps shaking. At a time the phone was angry and fell off my hand lol. But any ways I got the click guys but lo and behold i could only see a half of my face. Trust me I tried about 5 times and the results keeps getting worse then I had to give up.
But as I was just browsing wide (abeg o, I wasn't looking for how to take a selfie *smiles*) I stumbled upon this post by Danielle Whiteman of the fashionisterbarbie. Here is her take on the issue.

FIND YOUR ANGLE. The best shots are captured when the phone is slightly above eye level and away from you at a 45 degree angle.

GET A GOOD POSTURE BEFORE YOU CLICK

GO FOR THE NATURAL LIGHTING. Go outdoors or if you want to do it inside go close to the window. At least get a good shine on you before the click.

NOT BAD IF I PHOTOSHOP. There is absolutely everything right about making your pix so good before posting on instagram or facebook. Tweak it with a good picture editing app.

SMILE FOR ME... Smile, smile dear...its your selfie.
Let's take a look at some celebs selfie and please tell me who killed it.

Victoria Beckham

Rosie Huntingdon Whiteley

Khloe kardashian

Amber Rose

Kim kardashian

Derek Shepherd's death, Shonda Rhimes opens up

We were all shocked and angry at the death of Derek Shepherd(Patrick Dempsey)  in the tv series grays anatomy. A lot of people have voiced their disagreement on the death of their sexy actor. But Shonda Rhimes, the screen writer and producer of the tv drama have taken her time to explain to disgruntled viewers and fans the reason behind the unexpected death of Mcdreamy. Here is what she have to say.

"Patrick leaving was a mutual decision, and not an easy one. "We had a lot of discussions about it," she explained at her TCA panel. "It wasn't easy or fun, it is never easy or fun. If he didn't die, Derek would have to "walk out on Meredith (Ellen Pompoe) and leave her high and dry, and what was that going to mean? That was going to suggest that the love was not true ... For me, that was untenable."

Guys do you think that was enough excuse to let him go? Tell me what you think.

Shocking! Jonathan never wanted to be vice president. Not even the president

In an interview with news magazine The interviewer, former governor of cross river state Nigeria Donald Duke opens up to what Jonathan told him and Obasanjo. According to him Jonathan was not ready to become the vice president of Nigeria. Excerpt from the interview below.

"You don’t give authority to an unwilling person, particularly in a country like Nigeria. Umaru never wanted to be president. He was dealing with his health issues and wanted to retire and go lecture in a university. He was really offered an appointment at the Ahmadu Bello University in Zaria. Jonathan, on the other hand, had just been re-elected to be governor of Bayelsa and when he was picked, he was not so pleased. He said to Obasanjo and me, ‘I don’t want this job". 
So you can actually force some one to become the president? This is to tell you the level of control these guys have over us... There is God oh!

You wont believe the tweet Pornhub sent to Kylie Jenner on her birthday

Kylie Jenner is rapper Tyga's rumored gf, she even gave her a Ferrari as she celebrates her 18 birthday this past weekend. But the highlight of it all was the tweet notorious and world's free online porn site pornhub sent to her. See below for the tweet. Kyle somebody is out to get you.

HOW TO BREAK A RELATIONSHIP- powered by a true life story similar to this.

My name is Dapo and I am as good as a dead man. This is my story.
I am a graduate of mechanical engeneering from a university in Canada.
I met Tina when I was in my 2nd year, she was a fresh man in international relations. As the P.R.O of the Nigerian students association in Canada, I was sent along side the director for welfare to go and pick the new students that just came from Nigeria at the airport and made sure they got to their respective schools. That was when i met Tina. She was the most beautiful human i had ever seen. Every single part of her body was perfect. She was so natural, she was every man's dream.
Fast forward 2 months later, we started dating. We where madly in love with each other. We so complimented each other. It was a match made in glorious heaven.
2 years later I graduated and came to Nigeria, did my NYSC and currently working as an engineer with shell company in Porth Harcourt. Tina graduated a year later and she is presently doing her nysc in Abuja with the canadian Embassy. Our relationship had grown so strong and bothe of our parents knew us. We had set a date for September this year for our wedding. I felt so lucky to be getting married to this princess. I never knew that man with horns and a long garden fork was right at my back writing a bad a*s script for me.
3 months ago, we were having a small party at the office. My immediate boss had been promoted and we were celebrating.
She called me out and said to me " I have a girl for you, a beautiful girl, she is the daughter of the comisioner for health. She's a doctor who just graduated from the UK, I can arrange for you too to meet". " You mean like a blind date i asked "
 " yes, I have not seen you with a woman since you came to this company"
If only she knew about my Tina.
"Or are you gay" she asked with a all so serious face.
"Of course not"
"Then I will call her and send the number to you this night"
I swear, I know I should have something about my Tina, my wife to be. But that ugly man at my back the fork had whispered to my ear and then I thought, "well, a little flirting wont hurt any one I will go there just to make her my good friend. That's all"
The number came and I called. We set up a date for the next day friday.
When I saw her, guys she was so beautiful. If Tina was a beautiful angel, she was the goddess of beauty. Ladies and gentlemen meet Timi.
At the dinner, I was so carried away by her smile, her curves, her so perfect beauty that I thought it wise not to tell her about Tina. Plus she was really into me na.
As crazy as it will sound, a month later we stated dating. Yes dating. Even with my wedding with Tina at the corner.
I was able to play the game so perfectly. Tina is in Abuja, Timi is in Ibadan and I i  port harcourt. Each girls have to call me before coming. And I don't pick the other girls calls when I am with one. I always have excuses for that. And none of them questioned me on that.
It went on for a lovely time until i got bursted in a Hollywood style.
Tina and I had made a Wedding invitation video. In the video was a short documentary on how we met and fell in love. A nice poem I had writen for her was read by me and she read hers too, then we kissed. The video was so emotional. We decided to put it on you tube and to our surprise it went viral. Guess who saw it? Yes Timi. She saw everything.
I got her text ladt weak saying she saw the video and how could I do this to her. She called me the devil himself. Yes I could not agree more. I was so stupid to allow everything happpen. On another thought why was I not from the North so I can marry two wives. Hey guys, just a thought. In all I am in a mess.
I love Tina so much. She gave me her life, her heart and her trust. She is beautiful, curvey, she have a wonderful character and above all every man's dream wife. Timi is the double dose of Tina.  I love both of them. I can't leave Tina she will ne devastated, and I can bear to see Timi in another man's arm. I have to make a decision and you guys are going to help me. Leaving one of them would be a perfect way to break a relationship-infidelity.
Did I tell you both of them are pregnant for me.
Please tell me what to do.

PS. The story above is a perfect work of fiction, cooked up in the brain powered by an almost similar event. But your contributions to this mess Dapo is in is highly welcomed. Thanks.

THE RIGHT WAY TO PUT ON A BRA

As funny as this post tittle may look, it is interesting to know that only few women can really put on a bra the right way. This probably could be as a result of the difficulty in getting a bra that perfectly fits. When you wear the wrong bra, you look so out of place, even with the most 'killing it outfit'.
Let's please take a small tour on the does and donts of wearing the right bra.

1.  Check the band: Go for a perfectly fitted band. The band should not look like it is ridding on your back, it should fit perfectly. The picture below gives a clear representation of what I am saying.
It should not be higher than the underwire and it should lie horizontally accros your back. Try a smaller size to make this work, keep trying them till you get the one that fits. And please remember the bra especially the cups' primary purpose is to fit your breasts...look at the mirror if its not doing a good job at that, please roll on to the next shop.

2. Get rid if those bra bulges: Try a wider back and under the arms band. It will help you distribute your bra’s weight and pull and prevent those bumps in your back.

3. What is that space for?:  When you wear a too big cup size you get this experience. Go for a cup that fits. Sometimes knowing your cup sizes does not help, go on test it out before you reach for your purse. Check for spillage of that 'well sculptured apples'. They should rest neatly in the cups. 

4. I can see your bra outline so clearly like a blue ray: You should never see the outlines of your bra...never please.  This may look unattractive or even embarrassing. You bra can be too big or the other reason is that you didn’t match it with your outfit. If you’re sure about sizing, try a seamless, non-embroidered bra. It won’t show through and you’ll feel more confident about your look.

5.Don’t forget about matching the correct bra with your outfit! Always make sure it works with a certain neckline. If you decided to wear a backless evening gown, you don’t need to show unsightly bra straps to everyone. Fortunately, nowadays there are bra types that suit plunging necklines or a backless dresses. So you don’t have to go out braless. Use a strapless or silicone adhesive bra beneath a strapless or spaghetti string dresses. For tight fitting tops use a good lifting push up bra. Or buy a convertible bra with adjustable straps. You can wear it with a variety of outfits!

All right babes, I think this is all I can gather. Remember, BRA should be considered as part of your outfits... See you cuties next time. And please drop your question just down below and try to visit my other posts.

Materials from www.herbeauty.co

  

THE BIRTH OF AN INTERIOR DESIGN COMPANY WITH A CLASS OF HER OWN....

Yes i mean every word I said. The are cheap, flexible and above all they give you the same satisfaction as those expensive interior designers. They are called MARVEL DESIGN OPTIONS.
Their services ranges from wall paper desings, to paintings to completer re-dressing of your house. They are based in Port harcot, Rivers state Nigeria. Check out some pics after the cut. Go on to also like their page on facebook: https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1517306278508098

You can call them on this number: +2348035279932

SHE DID IT AGAIN

Omotola and two of her four kids cover the latest edition of hello magazine. In the mag, she talks about her determinations and succeess in the movie world. Go on sister, u doing us proud...

Source:thenetng

CAN U BELIEVE THIS?

Just after being employed, an house maid kidnapped these blessed kids... Thank God they have been found... Guys be careful o.. see pix affer the write up.

Is this what I'm thinking?

Guys, please I need your opinions on this one. Please what do u think is going on here?
P.S. look well well o lol...

Daniel Enemuo, The convicted Drug Traficer has been executed.

Mr Danel Enemuo, a 38 year old Nigerian convicted on drug charges in Indonesia has been executed. Despite plea from the Nigerian government, Mr Daniel was excecuted by a firing squad along side 4 other foreigners from Brazil, Netherlands, Vietnam and Malawi. Defending their action, the Indonesian government said "what we do is merely aimed at protecting our nation from the danger of drugs. There is no excuse for drug dealers and hopefully this will have a deterrent effect. So far, Brazil and the Netherlands have recalled their ambassadors from indonesia following the executions. sources: Information ng.com, daily telegraph

How to survive the first day at work

Getting a job is one heck of a challenge, worrying about how to get through your first day is such a challenge.  Well in my own way and little contribution I will like to share with you some tips and I hope you like it.

1.WAKE UP EARLY: Yes I know you've been jobless for a while now and you've been used to waking up to see the afternoon sun shining through your windows. But dear it's work time, get up and get dressed.You can secure the services of a good alarm clock to help you wake up.

2. PUT ON YOUR BEST: it's your first day at work, put on the best. It gives you this courage and comfort. Ladies, go for the added beauty of nice accessories, and gents do look good too. Of course this idea of dressing depends on the type of work and position you've been offered. The idea is don't come in looking odd. First impression matters to you and to them.

3. BUILD AN INNER CONFIDENCE: Say to your self  'I can do this'. Say it loud enough only you can hear it. This helps to build to your self confidence.

4. GET FLEXIBLE AND FRIENDLY: Be friendly. Greet everyone with a smile.

5. BE CONFIDENT: You were hired for a reason, one of it was that you impressed them so live up to it. Don't appear nervous be confident. Even in your walking, do the 'confident walk'. People are looking you know.

6. BE PREPARED FOR YOUR FIRST PRANK: It might sound horrible to some of you but trust me some peeps like to introduce themselves that way. If there are no pranks you might definitly find the 'bullies, those that want to show they have been there before you. They try to order you around. Chill, it's just a moment thing. You will adjust. Play the first timer game and you might turn some jealous duds or babes to your friends. Just don't let them over do it.

7. ASK QUESTIONS: He who ask questions will never get lost. Its your first day, ask questions. You wont have to make mistakes.

8. TAKE INITIATIVE: Get smart. Initiate new ideas that could work. Of course you might not be able to say them on your first day but keep it in mind and find a good day for it.

....that's all I can give for now, when get more I will pass on... you are wellcome to comment on this... cheers lovelies...